Other people matter—for our well-being, success, and even survival
Two decades ago, psychologist Christopher Peterson claimed that the emerging field of positive psychology could be summarized in three words: Other people matter. These words could just as well summarize not only centuries of scholarship and wisdom, but also our everyday experience. Other people matter—for our well-being, success, and survival. Even our own self-esteem can serve as an “interpersonal monitor,” shaped by how connected we feel to others.
While research continues to highlight social connection as a key contributor to health and happiness, questions remain about the how of connection. For example: What creates that coveted sense of connection? What’s the best way to connect to ensure the most benefits? How do we reconcile wanting to connect with the fear of getting hurt?
University of Chicago psychologist Nick Epley investigates these and other mysteries of social connection. Yes, everyone experiences social pain, he agrees, and yes, connection always carries some risk. But among his most crucial findings is that we consistently overestimate how big that risk is. In fact, when we do reach out, people tend to respond much more positively to us than we imagine. Examining over 20,000 data points on the mechanisms of sociality has empowered Epley to put his findings into practice and regularly reap the far-reaching rewards of connection—whether with strangers on the train or with his closest relations.
As for what lies beneath that warm feeling of connection—it’s trust.
“Trust means believing that somebody cares about you and has your best interest in mind,” says Epley.
Here’s Epley with six insights on connection.
1. People are more interested in engaging with you than you might imagine
We tend to be overly pessimistic about how positively others will respond when we reach out to them. According to Epley, this stems largely from misunderstanding other people and is particularly acute with strangers. Whenever a belief keeps us from acting, we miss out on the data from experience that could confirm or disprove it. “If we’re even a little nervous about how others will respond, we won’t reach out, and so we never learn that the belief is mistaken,” he explains.
Here’s more good news. It may be true that others aren’t paying nearly as much attention to us as we imagine (the spotlight effect). But it’s often because they are focused on other things (mostly themselves)—not because they don’t care about us. When others are paying attention to us, they usually don’t judge us as negatively as we fear, says Epley. In fact, people often underestimate how much others will like them after a conversation (the liking gap).
2. Connection is built on reciprocity
Don’t underestimate the power of reciprocity. A social interaction is an exchange with dynamic features, explains Epley. It goes back and forth. In fact, what makes social interaction a positive experience is the interaction itself. “In conversation, people like you not just for what you say, but for what you do—your facial expressions, nodding, smiling, showing you understand,” he says. These paralinguistic cues create affirmation, responsiveness, and, ultimately, connection.
Epley’s research highlights that it’s not just connecting that matters, but how we connect. “Dialogue—with its reciprocity and responsiveness—is what people underestimate. They imagine monologues, but what they actually experience is a dynamic exchange that feels much better than expected.”
3. Focus on the frequency rather than the intensity of positive interactions
“It’s the frequency of positive emotions, rather than their intensity, that determines our well-being,” says Epley. Even little social interactions—a smile, a compliment, a kind act—can nurture happiness. A good marriage, for example, fosters sustainable well-being because it provides many small positive moments every day.
Happiness is often compared to a leaky tire: something good happens and the tire fills up. Then it slowly drains down. That doesn’t mean you live life on a flat tire, says Epley. It means you keep pumping it up. “Treat sociality like a habit, something you do routinely. Whenever you have the chance, sprinkle it in.”
4. Imagine connection as the physical distance between you and others
When considering how connected you feel to someone, ask yourself: How close do they feel to me in physical space? Researchers sometimes represent the concept of connection as the “inclusion of the other in the self.” To illustrate this, they use two circles that can be far apart, close together, or even overlapping, depending on the level of connection. Spouses, for example, may feel so integrated that they forget where one ends and the other begins, and use the word “we” more than “I”. Even strangers, Epley explains, can feel either very distant or very close.
5. Your personality matters… more for your expectations than your actual experience
Personality traits are more strongly related to people’s expectations, habits and choices than to their actual experiences in interactions, says Epley. “Introverts believe they will feel more tired or enjoy an interaction less than extroverts do. Yet, when they are actually in the interaction, they either underestimate how much they’ll enjoy it like the extroverts do, or sometimes even more. Often, what we think of as experiences are just our beliefs and expectations.”
6. Your beliefs can become your barriers
Epley’s research shows that when asked to imagine talking to a stranger on a train, people predict they’ll enjoy it more than keeping to themselves. Yet, the barrier that prevents them from trying is the belief that others don’t want to engage. “We misjudge others. We assume there are more people who will reject us than there actually are,” says Epley. Moreover, while people expect social rejection to sting more than connecting will please them, Epley argues that it’s often more their expectation not the actual experience. “Negative emotions (whether from social or non-social pain) often fade faster than positive ones, thanks to our psychological immune system that helps us rationalize failures and move on.”
A final tip
There’s no magic set of opening lines for starting the most connection-fostering conversations.
The secret, according to Epley, lies in a mindset: taking a genuine interest in others and paying attention.
Many thanks to Nick Epley for his time and insights. Dr. Epley is the John Templeton Keller Distinguished Service Professor of Behavioral Science, and Director of the Roman Family Center for Decision at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business.
This article was published on Psychology Today. Content may be edited for style and length.
