Sometimes we need to talk about it.
By Wendy Wisner
As an introvert who is very wary of conflict, the idea of confrontation makes me want to run and hide. I know I’m not alone here. At the same time, I understand how important it is to share your feelings with someone when something is bothering you. According to experts, that’s pretty much all that confrontation is—or what it can be, when looked at from the right angle.
“The word confrontation sounds aggressive, and there is a big difference between being aggressive and being assertive,” explains Lynn Zakeri, LCSW, a therapist in the Chicago area. Confronting someone with assertiveness is quite different than confronting someone with aggression, she says.
A healthy confrontation can lead to a fruitful conversation—and as scary as it may feel to begin the conversation, doing so benefits all parties involved. “It is important to confront someone when something is bothering you so that you can gain understanding,” Zakeri describes.
For many of us—myself included—even if we know healthy confrontation is sometimes necessary, actually following through can be incredibly challenging. That’s why I connected with three experts in the field, to help us understand the importance of positive confrontation, common fears surrounding it, techniques for approaching it, and how to manage the after-effects of confrontation.
Benefits of Healthy Confrontation in Resolving Conflicts
In a nutshell, it’s vital that you confront someone when something is bothering you, because if you don’t, nothing will change, says Angela Williams, LCSW, licensed clinical social worker and mindset and leadership coach at Angela Marie Coaching.
At its core, the desire to confront conflicts actually often comes from a place of caring. “In the helping field, we sometimes label confrontation as a ‘carefrontation’ when you are addressing something from a place of care to get a situation to change or bring up behavior that someone engages in,” Williams describes.
Ultimately, healthy confrontation can actually strengthen your relationship with the person you are confronting. “Sometimes it is difficult to have the courage to speak your truth, but when you do so tactfully, it can result in increased respect,” Williams says.
“When you don’t bring up something that is bothering you, it can cause feelings of resentment, hurt, or anger which can be potentially avoided by having a conversation about the issue.” – Angela Williams, LCSW
When unattended to, conflicts don’t go away—they simply grow, explains Erin Gleason Alvarez, JD, Mediator, negotiation consultant, dispute prevention advisor at Gleason Alvarez ADR. “A conflict left unchecked festers,” Alvarez shares. That’s why you shouldn’t wait to address them. “It is easier to address issues as they arise with a healthy, problem-solving approach,” Alvarez explains.
Alvarez urges people to think of conflicts as normal parts of life. “By addressing conflict head-on in a curious—not accusatory—way, you can begin to unravel the problem,” she describes.
Common Fears and Anxieties Associated with Confrontation
Okay, so it’s definitely important to confront conflicts as they come up. But that doesn’t mean it’s an easy or comfortable thing to do.
For one thing, confrontation “brings up fears of rejection and loss,” says Alvarez. People tend to worry that they’ll say the wrong thing or not know what to say altogether. “They might also be concerned that others will judge them for ‘stirring the pot’ or that confronting a problem might ruin the relationship,” she says.
Additionally, many of us worry that if we bring up something difficult, it makes us a difficult person. But this isn’t always the case, says Zakeri. “When done kindly and respectfully, confrontation can make you a brave person, not a difficult person,” she explains.
It’s also important to consider the context, and that the idea that being “difficult” can be subjective. For instance, marginalized folks are often unfairly labeled as difficult, Alvarez points out. “Women and people of color who speak up to address conflict are more readily labeled as difficult, even if they attempt to approach the conflict healthily,” she explains.
Strategies and Techniques for Positive and Healthy Confrontation
It’s clear that confrontation—when done in a healthy manner—is something all of us have to do at one point or another. But how best to approach it? Here are some expert-driven tips.
Start With a Question
Healthy confrontation “can be presented with ‘Hey do you have a minute to talk?’ and does not have to be aggressive like ‘I am upset with something that you did,’ Zakeri explains. “You can begin a confrontation with a question seeking clarity instead of an accusation.”
It’s All About the Presentation
Finding the right time to confront the person, and setting a calm, relaxed mood can go a long way in making the confrontation more positive, Zakeri emphasizes. Helping the person who you are confronting feel safe around you “will make the conversation more productive and not as aggressive as you may fear,” she says.
Make a Plan
Confrontation works best when you go in with a plan, Alvarez emphasizes. To prepare, ask yourself questions like:
- Why do you need to have this discussion?
- What do you hope to accomplish?
- What do you think the other person’s goals are?
- Can you think of ways to start building a path for you both toward a resolution? What might that look like?
Practice
If the idea of confrontation makes you nervous, Alvarez suggests practicing, either alone or with someone you trust. “Role-play what you plan to say to see how it feels,” she says. “Do this until you are comfortable.”
Use “I” Statements
Sticking to “I” statements can be extremely effective when confronting someone, says Williams.
Consider using the formula “I feel ____ when ____ because ____. What I need is ______,” Williams suggests. “Using this statement framework places the emphasis on your experience and feelings, leaving out criticism or judgment of the other person which typically ignites an argument,” she explains.
Take a Growth Mindset Approach
Confrontation isn’t always fun while it’s happening, but you’ve got to keep your eyes on the prize. In most cases, the relationship is going to get stronger because of it, Zakeri reminds. As such, taking a “growth mindset” approach to confrontation and relationship building is the way to go.
Stay Focused
“When you are in the conversation, stay focused on it—in the present moment,” Alvarez recommends. “It’s very easy to slip into our minds, planning what we will say next and reacting to things we don’t want to hear.”
But when this happens, you miss important details, she says. Being present can also be reassuring to the person you are confronting, because it shows you are actively listening and aware of their feelings.
Potential Challenges That Come Up
Even if you’ve prepared carefully and tried your best to remain open and responsive, confronting someone on an issue doesn’t always go perfectly. Sometimes, some serious challenges can arise.
“Sometimes individuals don’t respond well to confrontation, as this can seem like a blow to the ego,” says Williams. “If you are speaking with someone who has little insight into their behavior, difficulty with emotional regulation, or low investment in the relationship or situation, it may not end up with an amicable resolution.”
The best way to deal with a difficult person is to state things simply and approach them as neutrally as possible. If you receive blowback from your conversation, Williams suggests trying something called the grey rock method, which is where you limit engagement. “The grey rock method involves one to give off very little emotion or response, almost as if you are a rock itself,” she describes.
Where to Go From Here
Even if the confrontation went relatively well, it’s important to follow up with the person you confronted and make sure they understand the message. “It’s important to reflect on how you delivered the message, and if there was anything to improve,” Williams says.
If the confrontation did not go well, or if you are unsure how to feel about how to move forward with the relationship, consider processing it with a therapist or trusted friend or family member, Williams suggests. You may consider a follow-up conversation with the person you confronted to express care and concern and to repair any damage that may have occurred, she concludes.
This article was published on Verywell Mind. Content may be edited for style and length.
